Daily Funnies!

Three men died and went to heaven. When they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter stopped them and said, "Due to over population, I can only let one of you in. Whoever can tell me the best story of his death can enter Heaven."

The first guy began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. Every day when I went to work, my nosy neighbor called me and said that there was a stranger in my house and that he could hear wild, passionate loving making noises. I finally got fed up with it and decide to go home at lunch time and check things out. When I got home my wife was sitting on the couch naked. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn’t find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn’t wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn’t dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man’s story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died."

The third story: "Well, I was in this refrigerator minding my own business….

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he looked in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

A lawyer, a Hindu and a Jew were on vacation. They were taking a road trip through Tennessee, but they were tired and there wasn’t a hotel in sight. After driving around for awhile, they came upon a farmhouse and figured they might able to stay with the owner.

So they went to the front door and the farmer answered their knock. They explained their plight and the farmer said they were welcome to stay in his home.

"I can only fit two people in the guest bedroom, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the farmer said.

"Well, I’ll sleep in the barn," the Hindu said. "You two fellows take the bed and I’ll see y’all in the morning!"

The lawyer and the Jew were getting settled down in the bed and they heard a knock on the door. It was the Hindu.

"There’s a cow out there," the Hindu said. "It’s against my religion to sleep with a cow."

So the Jew said he’d sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the lawyer were getting settled in the bed when they heard a knock on the door. It was the Jew.

"There’s a pig out there," he said. "There’s no way I’m sleeping with a pig!"

The lawyer said he’d sleep in the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were getting settled down in the bed and they heard a knock on the door.

It was the cow and the pig.

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!"

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn’t find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow’s nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."

A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor’s office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination, the doctor sighs, "I don’t seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it’s really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we’ll take another look at it."

Two weeks later, it’s raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor’s office. "Doctor, it’s really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let’s have a look," he says, as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse, bring me a surgical kit. Don’t worry ma’am, this won’t hurt a bit."

The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma’am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That’s great, Doc, what did you do?"

"I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."
 

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don’t have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fu*k the cat."